I’m annoyed.  I spent last night laying in bed worrying about whether or not I was doing everything I could to help Nyima meet her developmental ‘milestones’, when I should have been getting some sleep.  She slept great!  Me, not so much.

I’m finding that my my need for perfection has migrated into the care of my child.  It’s not even perfection I’m after, but the lack of regret.  Is that perfection?  I’m not sure.  And it’s not that I expect HER to be perfect – in my eyes she’s already perfect.  But I expect ME to be perfect in raising her.  Which is completely ridiculous and impossible.  I’m gonna screw her up somehow, there is no way around it.  But when I read the books and the websites about milestones she should be meeting, how much tummy time I should be giving her a day, what games she’ll like, it’s ALL I can think about!  Oh no, I only gave her a few minutes of tummy time today – she’ll be sliding on her stomach forever!  Oh no, she hasn’t laughed yet – is something wrong?  Am I not stimulating her enough?  Call CPS!

It’s so dumb.  And I know it’s dumb.  She is perfect, and this morning I was watching her play and realized how completely dumb it is.  She is doing everything she needs to be doing – she’s happy, she’s healthy.  I have to get over this parenting pressure I’m putting on myself, because it will sap all the joy out of it!  My parents didn’t have set rules for tummy time, games, milestones, and other nonsense.  And I turned out fine!  So did my sister!  I need to learn to look at those for general guidance on what I can help her with or look for, but not things that HAVE to happen. 

My fear is eventually these pressures I put on myself would be transferred to her.  I don’t suddenly want to discern my parental abilities from her success or lack thereof.  That would be so not cool.  She’ll develop as she develops, and I’ll love her every step of the way.

A note about tummy time – I hate it, and she hates it.  She cries everytime I do it, so I know I don’t do it as much as I ’should’.  She cried so much the first six weeks of her life, I’ve really enjoyed the last few weeks of significantly diminished screaming.  So to put her in a position that I KNOW will make her cry is something I really don’t enjoy.  I do it.  But I don’t like it!