I needed to write this yesterday, but my wee one did not cooperate.

I spoke to my boss yesterday about my return to work on the 16th.  I had hoped that I wouldn’t be assigned to a project yet, that I would have a couple months to help on random projects and just get used to being back at work.  Alas, ’tis not to be.  She said I’m on a bid for a project we’re supposed to hear about this week.  Which means I’ll be starting up at the start of a study, which is always insane.  Which means I’ll have to travel to the sponsor’s office for a meeting probably within the next couple of weeks.  Which means my time lines for, well, everything, have been drastically shortened.  I told her my morning sitter for next week is on vacation so I’ll be juggling things a bit, and she suggested I have a back-up plan in case we get the project and things get going right away.  Back up plan…so I’m supposed to be able to create a magical sitter that I feel comfortable with in three days?  My wonderful mother said she would help if she could.  So I do have a back-up plan.  But she’s busy too, and I’m already feeling guilty that my needs will be making others’ lives more difficult.  I’m supposed to be responsible for everything, and handle it perfectly, and never get upset, remember?!?!

Positives:
- The study I’ve been assigned to is with the same sponsor and the same indication that I was on before I went on leave, so there won’t be nearly the learning curve there was last time
- I’ve learned how to delegate since my last project
- I’m no longer a newbie at this – all of the stress and “I have to get this done NOW” is reduced, and I understand how to keep myself sane much better.

Negatives:
- All of that above is a load of crap I’ve been telling myself to keep from flipping out.  Work sucks!

Actually, I do believe the positives.  But it doesn’t make starting again any easier.  I would feel more comfortable about the whole thing if my child would take a freakin’ bottle.  She has decided recently that a bottle is NOT what she wants, she will not have it, and she will scream and hold her breath and wail and wail until said bottle is thrown to the wolves.   I’ve tried different bottles, nipples, positions, times of day, persons giving the bottle, all to no avail.  She’ll be fine with it one day, then the next day refuses it all together.  I had decided earlier if I have to travel I’ll just take my mom or Jason with me and also bring Nyima – she could take a bottle during the day while I’m working, and I’ll still be there with her at night for feeding, sleeping, etc.  Which would be great, except for the bottle part.  So my next few days will be spent having a battle of wills with my child and trying to get her to take a bottle, so that one stress will be aleved.  Because not only does that cause me stress about work, I also would like to be able to leave the house without her sometimes. 

I’m afraid of my desire to feel like I have to do it ALL – be the perfect employee, the perfect mother, the perfect housekeeper, the perfect wife.  It won’t be possible…in theory I know this, but experientially I may fall short of this awareness.  I don’t like letting people down.  I’ve told myself that Nyima will always come first, and I think that will stay true, but learning how to shuffle everything so she does stay first is going to be very hard.

Luckily my boss is very understanding – she has 2 kids of her own and works from home.  She said she would let me know if it looked like my performance was being affected before it became an issue.  So that’s good.  And she knows the struggle of trying to do it all, we talked at length about it yesterday.  But it’s still scary.

I wish I had written this yesterday, I feel like all of the things I was feeling are distilled now, things aren’t ringing as true.

On a different note, my afternoon sitter took Nyima for a walk in the stroller for the first time yesterday.  I thought it was a great idea until they left the house.  Then I suddenly realized the baby was not in the house, and me or Jason were not with her.  It was a very strange and scary feeling!  I called Jason to share my fears and we ended up just working each other up, so in the end I called my mom so she could talk me down.  It’s not that I don’t trust my sitter.  It’s just that she’s not me!!!

Time for lunch and then a walk – it’s going to be almost 60 today.  Spring would be good right about now.